Fire Island 101

Never thought Fire Island could be such a BLAST! Now I understand why people say you go once and you will keep coming back! Hell I'm not only thinking about a rental for next year but also trying to plan another summer weekend this year!

Since Fire Island seems to be a whole new world for me I've decided to write a guide for those of you who haven't been before, or need a refresher course ;-).

First and foremost there are two kinds of people that go to Fire Island, those who go there to enjoy unspoiled nature, and those who go there to party like its 1999.

For Women:

* Really short dresses (make sure underwear is showing, if you're wearing any), or better yet.. just use your beach cover up when you go out instead!

* Bring flats, as those heels will only get you in trouble here. When still in doubt picture yourself coming out of a bar, wasted... and hitting the sidewalk with your teeth (yes not pretty ... but witnessed two girls do that.. so no heels if you want to keep your pearly whites!)

* Bring a bathing suit or none (as there are plenty of nude beaches there)

* It is truly impossible to get all that sand out of your hair on the island, so spare yourself the trouble of bringing all those great products, cause outdoor shower is what you'll be stuck with.

For Men:

* Cargo shorts - everyone is seemed to be wearing those, that way you will blend in and fit in.

* Tacky button down shirts - again so you can fit right in

* Make sure you visit the tanning salon before you get here because without that orange glow you really won't make it far with the girls.

* Six-packs are necessary, so hit the gym before

* Bring lots and lots of gel! Guido Look is quite popular.

General Things to avoid:

FOAM PARTIES - yes apparently those are still happening... for those of you who have no idea what that is.. its a bar party that has foam making machines spread around the room, and as you near the end of the party you're covered in foam up to your neck. Since you can't see what is happening down below.. all bets are apparently off.

So if you're STD free, stay away from those as that won't last.

SWIMMING AT 3:30 AM

Clubs and bars on FI do not believe in the necessity of AC in the 100 degree heat. So when you go out you're packed like a sardine into a tight space and when the alcohol is flowing you start dancing like a mofo! First thought when you're released from your fellow sardines is I want to cool off.. so you see the bay water with no waves... and you say lets do this! You jump in just to be reprimanded by the security people that swimming in the bay at 3:30 in the am is NOT permitted... (how do I know this??? hmmmm.....)

So if you're still hot the alternative is to walk down to the beach (the ocean side) and lay out on the beach, watch the stars and listen to the ocean waves crash at the shore.

Around 4am the walk to the beach can be like a NYC subway ride around that time of the night. UNPREDICTABLE.

You will run into people on bikes that will stop to let you pass and will stare at you without a word just as if they were vampires trying to glamour you. Making you feel like the nearest mental institution is on recess.

You will be tempted to ride bicycles laying around by peoples houses (if you do... please return where you found them).

So you're best bet is not to talk to strangers at nighttime, oh and don't touch the deer that walk around freely on the island! They are cute and all.. but ohhh those ticks that they carry.

For those of us that are used to the city: if you're bored for any reason (since not all of us know how to fully relax on an island where the only transportation available are your own two feet or a bicycle) .. just start drinking. If it's early Bloody Marys are always great... that way everything will be seen in brighter colors and when in doubt you can always make fun of the man at the pool wearing really long jean shorts!

Shoe-tastrophy!!!

What can be more fab than spending time at the beach with the girls, when it's nearly 100 outside! This city becomes unbearable and LI beaches are the only escape (if you still like to stay outdoors!)

And since it was 4th of July some good ol' fireworks were in order for the evening part of the day!

Dressed properly for a rooftop party (yes no skirts, or dresses as I think this city has already seen plenty of my underwear before) I left to meet Scary Spice, who was supposed to be joining me for this extravaganza!

Normally in NY you can buy almost anything at nearly any time of the day, but on 4th of July city becomes deserted as everybody floods Fire Island or the Hamptons.

So what do you do when you're all the way downtown in your perfect party shoes, that gave into this heat and literally fell apart??

For those of you who have never been in NY.. downtown is where all the financial institutions are and shopping is already sparse. And on 4th of July whatever is there is closed by 7 pm!

It was already 8 o'clock and after running around downtown with no shoes on in sheer panic... I discovered CVS (our pharmacy and cosmetics store).... my only option!

In the worst case scenario I could buy socks there so I didn't have to walk around barefoot. People were already looking at me like I'm crazy walking with no shoes, but what is a girl to do in that situation? Really?

The choices that CVS presented me with were either crocks (ugh would rather continue walking barefoot) or shower totes that included a lufa, shower get and FLIP-FLOPS. I quickly grabbed one, paid and walked out of the store out of pure embarrassment. Unpacked my goodies at the nearest corner just to find out the the Flip-Flops were 2 sizes too small!!! At that point I didn't care and Scary Spice was waiting for me somewhere... so with my new "shoes" I ran back all the way downtown just to hear her say.... "Only you ... this shit only happens to you!" - after which we bother bursted out laughing!

The party was also great. Fireworks were spectacular and watching them from a 33rd floor was absolutely amazing!

Side note.. it took me good 20 minutes to get rid of all the NY dirt from my feet. This city is filthy! May need a tetanus shot!

Take me out to the ball game... and then some...

Wednesday night Yankee boy and I ended up in the Bronx at the Yankee stadium. The were playing against Seattle, and I was very excited since we had great seats - field level just past 1st base.

I met him at Billy's Bar just before the game just to find him doing Patron shots... well when in Rome... so couple of shots later we dragged our asses t the game and couldn't be more disappointed! Inning after inning the game became more and more painful as Seattle was kicking our asses! 7th inning, 3 bears and a hot sausage later we could not watch their miserable failure! 5-0??? What the hell happened?

So we left for Billy's bar again for more tequila! The bar wasn't hopping enough for us though.. some middle aged moms drunk and getting down.. yikes! So we left.

In a search of more entertainment we ended up at Sin City. Apparently Bronx's prime entertainment spot.

Yankee's favorite girl - Angie saw us in a cab as we were getting out of it in front of the place and said a quick hi, before disappearing into the club.

To make things clear, Sin City is a strip club where you can find lots of exotic fishes! ;-)

Vodka was pouring and we were having lots of fun! Got a nice lap dance too! And trust me when I say in da Bronx ALL BETS ARE OFF!

Inspired by all the lap dances around and absolutely uninspired by the pole action (lack thereof) I decided to give Yankee boy a lap dance! Well those classes have to pay off somehow!

Wel.. the stripper that was giving a lap dance next to us promptly stopped midway to ran to e to put a dollar bill in my bra! Pretty awesome... my first tip as a non-stripper!

With boosted confidence I continued the lap dance just to be tapped on my shoulder by a bouncer couple of minutes later. "Miss, No, No!" - he said with a disapproving move of his finger (kinda like what parents do to their kids when they misbehave!)

SHIT! Apparently all it takes to be allowed to give lap dances in the Bronx is filling out an application and you're IN!

Well in my books this night will go down as the night I nearly got kicked out of a strip joint!!!

Swimsuit Optional!

Couple of weeks ago the girls and I drove out to Robert Moses and decided to go to Field 5. Between the scorching sun and my A.D.D. I couldn't sit still and decided to take a stroll down the beach towards the lighthouse. With Blondie as my companion we soon walked into something we completely didn't expect to see... full on NUDITY. I always thought with US being so strict about clothing on the beach (Miami doesn't count) nude beaches were just an urban myth. Oh.. was I wrong!

There it was at 12 o'clock, a penis approaching. Then at 11.. and at 10.. and quickly we were surrounded with old saggy butts and penises that barely resembled one!

Will tell you one thing, the variety of shapes and sizes was truely amazing and unexpected. We couldn't help byt stare! Thank God for baseball hats and dark sunglasses, otherwise we would have walked away from there being called perverts!

It was amazing for me to see who actually are the people who decide to sunbathe in the nude... and they tend not to be the ones you would expect to see naked in public.

The ration of men to women was rather larger.. about 80/20 (totally expected) but most of them were way pass the middle-age point, and judging by the saggy butts they should not be naked anywhere except in the privacy of their shower.

Things that caught our attention:

1. Women with tops and no bottoms

2. Popularity of Prince Albert

3. Penises that looked more like either a third ball or "outie" belly button

4. Ball to penis disproportion (aka miniature golf pencil penis and softball size balls

5. Naked man on crutches with a CHUBBY that kept swinging his dick between his legs to catch our attention! Dude we see it, it's there, no need to draw more attention to it!

6. Naked couple sitting by the water spooning (possibly having sex)

7. 70 year old dude with and early 20s girl in the ocean, her legs spread apart and around his waist, most definitely having sex!

8. Men with T-shirts on and no bottoms...

Needless to say we go back there every weekend now! Nudity is addictive! ;-)